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The benefits of being truthfully unethical

March 26, 2008 on 5:24 pm | In Social & Political Issues | No Comments

“I confess! I’ve had adulterous relationships with persons of both sexes, taken every illegal drug known to personkind, overindulged in booze, beaten my kids, been cruel to animals, discriminated against persons because of their race-gender-disability-creed-sexual orientation and I don’t do any of that stuff any more.”

That’s the new opening line to political victory speeches in the U.S. It’s a preemptive strike against predatory prosecutors out to make names for themselves by bringing down a politician. It’s the answer to muck-raking journalists out to aggrandize themselves and plump up their careers by siccing the dogs of prosecution on targets they designate.

It’s no longer enough to do as Bill Clinton did and admit in advance to taking a joint in his mouth without inhaling. And it’s no longer expected for one to deny dalliances, as did Bill when Monica Lewinsky took his joint in her mouth without swallowing. DNA on her frock from such a telltale sample trumped his denial.

Nowadays it’s political protocol to be human. To be stupid. To be flawed. To be George W. Bush. He’ll be so missed when he’s gone. His daddy George Sr. had a stand-in for Dubya in his own vice president: Dan Quayle. Dubya couldn’t find anyone dumber than he is, so he had to settle for a guy who’s really evil.

Can’t wait to hear the confessions and malapropisms of the new occupants in the White House. Will they confess that they are actually reptilian alien shape shifters, part of an Illuminati plot to stupefy humankind? Or will they just start another war to enrich their corporate masters?

Frank Touby